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KIDNEY DONATION UPDATE!!! [2/20/2010 @ 11:53pm]
So as most of you know by now, I plan on donating one of my kidneys to a guy I know by the name of Pat. We went to school together and graduated. I kept my decision from my family with the exception of a cousin of mine by the name of Bree or Anna as she likes to be called. Well last week I finally bit the bullet and after much prayer I told my mom which was a very stressful task, but surprisingly she supports it. She doesn't like it but is willing to stand by me and I'm glad for that. My grandma and an uncle some how found out as well but luckily they're not grilling me about it which is nice.

I had a small interview with the transplant coordinater last week at saint Lukes and she called me back a few days later saying that I am able to donate emotionally. Now I just gotta mail her my blood donation card to confirm my blood type and then the testing will start. I haven't had a chance to mail it yet due to snow, but will definatly by the end of this following week. I have asked my mom not to say anything to my siblings or dad and she's done very well with that. Just don't want any drama you know. So so far so good.

A good friend of mine suggested I start a journal about this if I do infact match and am able to donate so after a little thought and prayer I think it's a great idea. I may even throw in some video vlogs as well and start a youtube channel. Not sure how many people I'll let read it but I do plan on putting another livejournal account about it strictly documenting everything about it. I may eventually make it public but for now I'm gonna stick to private and let a small group of people read it. I'll give you all the info as I get it.

I'd like to take the time to thank you all for your support. I know that some of you probrably don't agree with my decision and that's ok. The fact that you're not judging me for it is great. :)

Well, I better get going but just thought I'd keep ya posted. God Bless you all!

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So I might donate a kidney...PLEASE READ! [2/3/2010 @ 8:26pm]

So I recently got in touch with someone I went to school with by the name of Pat Gomez and found out through this facebook group his mom made, his kidney's are shutting down due to some disorder he has (details are in the link I'm gonna post)  and it just so happens that we are the same blood type needed for a transplant so of course I jumped on it even though we don't know eachother well and e-mailed both him and his mom offering to be tested as a live kidney doner.  So the down fall would be that if I did it I'd be surviving on only one kidney, but being someone who has grown up around death and watched people mourn for their children who have passed, I didn't hesitate to jump at the oppertunity.  So far only one realtive and my friends and online friends know.  That's it for now until I know for sure if I'm even compatible enough to be his doner.  I'm not gonna lie, it's a risky surgery, but worth it if it will save a life of another.  I'm not sure how my family would react 90% of my gut is saying they'll probrably freak which is why I'm waiting to say anything about it.  But I was curious to see what people would think about me doing this?  It's definatly a leap of faith and a bit of a gamble but I feel a sense of peace about it and so far almost everyone with the exception of a few are supportive of me.  Anyway here's a link to the page I found http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=32598379&id=27711123&fbid=525148551208#!/group.php?gid=271245617189&ref=mf#wall Also if you guys want to comment about this, I'd prefer you do it here or through a personal e-mail because like I said, my family doesn't know my intention and I don't want them freaking out on me trying to scare me out of it.  God Bless!


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[12/18/2007 @ 7:42am]
Funny how people are all ears when it comes to dirty jokes or pointless crap, but when someone's hurting, people can give a fuck less and don't understand... :(

Anyway, I'm thinking about taking a trip to San Fransico. Not sure when, but I heard Jared is buried there and I need to face this before it consumes me. I can't keep pretending that everything is ok because it's not and I'm on the verge of just giving up. Giving up trying to be happy and trying to live. I can't be knowing he's gone it almost seems selfish to be like I'm forgetting about his memory if I'm happy, but at the same time I know he'd want me to go on and be happy. We were broken up when Jared he died, but it's impacted a lot of my relationships ontop of already not trusting guys as it is or should I say just people in general. I'm afraid to get close to anyone especially romantically because of fear of this happening again. I honestly don't think I can go through this with another love. It was hard with Jared prorably easier since we weren't dateing at the time, but it doesn't make the pain go away. I know though that if I were to lose another love, I'd shut down completely. God is honestly the only one that's been there for me. People have tried but nobody understands except for mabey Morgan (He was her love too). Infact that's how me and Jared met was because him and Morgan had dated and I was helping him through their break up. Didn't expect to fall in love with the guy especially since it was over the fucking internet.

People keep telling me it's time to move on. Why is it ok to rush into sex, or pointless relationships but when it comes to grieving we have to fucking rush. I'm tired of rushing. I'm gonna grieve in my own way and if people don't like it...FUCK OFF! It hasn't even been a fucking year yet give me a break. People care so much about the outward appearance of themselves that they don't care about emotions anymore. I honestly just need to be held and just allow myself to cry without feeling like I'm being an attention whore or that I'm selfish. Jared was the same way as me...Gave way to much of himself and recieved so little. I just wanna hear his voice again and I wanna find out this is a joke as wrong as that sounds. But in my heart I know it's not.

I seriously just don't wanna date because now on top of being worried about players I'm worried about death as well which is something I feared but never thought would come true. I think in March I'm gonna go spend time with my friends in Montbello which happens to be around the first anniversary of Jared's death and we're doing a thingy where neither of us hold back a thing and for once I'm gonna try it. I'm gonna be such a mess but luckily won't be alone.

I find it ironic that in life when we're first born, we're the ones crying while everyone else is overfilled with joy, but in death we're the ones with joy while everyone else is crying. Shouldn't it be the opposite?

But anyway I better go...Sorry for these kinds of enteries guys but it helps to write it down...

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Date of Surgery [9/4/2007 @ 11:59am]
Hey all sorry I haven't been writting much. I've been busy or too tired to really do anything lately. I went into the doc and they haven't done blood work like I thought they would. My surgery is scheduled for the 12th. It was the best time for my mom to get time off work so it works. I brought my grandma in with me to help me ask any questions that I wasn't thinking of or whatever and he said that if I do indeed have endometrosis depending on what stage it is will determine whether or not I can have kids. He thinks if I have it I'm probrably in the first or second which is good because usually people in those stages could still have kids although the risk is lower than normal women. I'd just have to take medication to keep it controlled since there's no cure.

I turned my packet in and the store manager happend to be in when I did so she signed it and approved it right then and there so that's all out of the way. Now I basically just wait. I paid the medical bills I have so far which wasn't nearly as much as I thought which is good. Kinda worried about the surgery cost but I'm so glad I have insurence. I've had these problems for years.

I'm scared like any other person having surgery would be but at the same time relieved that we'll finally know what's going on and that all this shit I've been complaining about for years isn't all in my head like I started wondering. If it wasn't for my mom talking me into going in, I probrably would have waited longer which could in turn be bad in the end.

He gave me two weeks off work eventhough the healing time is usually three days but we did that to allow time incase they find something else or something goes wrong which is a risk with surgery or any medical issue.

But anyway my pre opt is the 10th so we can go over what I can and cannot do and all that and I'll probrably bring my grandma with agian because it's nice having someone there for support and she's good about asking things that I don't think about or remember asking. When you're nervous you forget easily or at least I do. Then is when they'll do the blood work and all that and then I get two days of being able to do anything lifting wise and all that so I'm gonna try to spend those days with my nieces. But yeah the oldest one knows now and she took the news pretty well. Interesting how a little three year old girl can be calmer than everyone in my family includeing me. I just told her I wasn't feeling well and that I was going to be fixed but be sore for a few days. She does this thing now where she'll run and jump in my arms or tackle me when I'm sleeping to wake me up and normally I'm cool with it but explained she can't do that for a little bit after surgery and she understood and asked questions of course like most kids do but was very calm which is good.

Ligeia if you were here, I'd so bring you with. I'm trying to avoid having a ton of people up at the hospital but I so want you there. It sucks you're so far away. I know you'd be supportive and hold my hand but I know you'll be praying for me and be there in spirit which is good. You're one of the people keeping me calm right now and I feel special that you let me know you're thinking and praying about me. I never thought I could love someone so much like a sister that I've never met face to face. You're no longer a friend in my eyes, you're a sister and hopefully I can come see you and David soon. Love you

Well folks I better get going but yeah that's what's going on. I may not update the day of surgery because all I'm gonna wanna do is sleep. I'm gonna be on pain meds and anastisha so yeah you could imagen how loopy I'm gonna be. I get drunk fast and I've never been on anastisha so yeah it's gonna be quite a trip. I can't even drive for the first 24 hours so I'm assuming I'm gonna be pretty drugged up lmao. But yeah I love you all and thanks for those that are praying or just thinking about me.


Today's the day dun dun DUNNNN! [7/26/2007 @ 8:09am]
So today is the dreaded doctor's appointment. Period didn't start so I'm going in. Grandma's taking me so she's coming at about 10:15ish so we make it there by 10:45 and basically have time to get lost haha. But anyway yeah I'll hopefully finally know what's up and what my body's telling me.

Last night at work was good. At the beginning this really sweet lady came in looking for boxes. She's been coming by my department the last few nights looking for boxes and I asked if she was moving and she said yes "Well sort of" She replied. "Oh where to!?" I asked. "Well with my son, unfortunatly I had to give up my apartment but he's been nice enough to let me stay with him during my treatments." I saw her eyes wale up a little but she had such a spirit to her it was remarkable. "Oh!" I said not wanting to pry and she felt she could confide in me and said "I just found out I have breast cancer so I have to go through chemo and will be very weak so he was nice enough to let me stay" and yet for some reason I didn't wanna say I'm sorry because that's the last thing people wanna hear with news like that. It's so clique. So I smiled and said "Well I'll definatly keep you in my prayers" She looked at me kinda shocked yet touched and said "Thank you! That's sweet of you. Thanks for the boxes" "No problem anytime" I said. Seems so small but I felt good knowing I touched someone. Knowing that just saying I'd pray for a stranger whom I've only known for a week made my night. I hope the teatments work though. She's such a sweet lady. So please keep her in your prayers as well. She's one of my favorite customers that's for sure.

But anyway I better get going. I have a major headache and hopefully can shake it because it's killing me but yeah. Hopefully they don't want a pee sample either cuz I just peed lol. Oh well. Love you all!

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Update on me! [7/13/2007 @ 6:52pm]
Hey all! I'm back at least for the time being and still very much alive. Things are slowly looking up. There's still a few struggles here and there but I'm not complaining. My niece, Emily is growing up so fast. It's almost as though she's growing up faster than Alicia did even. I remember being so eager to see how Alicia would be at the age of three that I was in such a hurry for her to turn it just so I could hear her talk, now she's three going on four and I'm like ahh ok I take it back go back to being an infant and never grow up although it is cute to hear her say "I love you auntie!"

Works good although it's really exhausting at times and frustrates me, but I gotta keep going cuz I really need this job and plan on moving out eventually. I just got off of a four day weekend which is kicking my ass, but it was a very much needed weekend trust me. I needed time for myself, my family, and my friends. I went to Juston and Melinda's wedding and even decked out their just married car haha. Lets just say it got a lot of stares. I can be so bad at times but they found it to be amusing. It was a fantastic wedding though and if I ever get married I'd choose that place. It's so simple yet beautiful and no matter where you sat, you got a perfect view of the bride and groom and every pic you took was perfect just because the place was that beautiful. Juston and Melinda have been through a lot of crap this year especially with their baby dying and all so it was so nice to see them smileing and happy. I haven't seen that expression their face in months.

After that I spent a few days in Montbello to see my friends, Hope and Faith. Yes that's actually their names and they're sisters. Cutest thing in the world if you ask me. While there some stuff did hit the fan though. Faith who's bipolar ended up having an episode so her mom ended up taking her to the hospital but she's cool now. She's gonna get on some new meds so hopefully that helps. Her sister has been taking care of her son, David a lot and I helped out whenever I wasn't sleeping. I felt bad though cuz I was constantly tired so I crashed a lot. Happens when you're on a different schedual than the rest of the world I suppose.

The other night I had a horrible dream. Horrible is an understatement, I had a night terror which is something I used to have as a kid but grew out of. I remember waking up with the night sweats or screaming or both. Well recently that all has been happening except without the screaming. My friend Hope and Cliff decided to surf the net and I ended up turning in early. Fell asleep on the couch and next thing I know I'm running down the stairs shaking and sweaty and talking like I wasn't making sense. I don't remember the dream and I don't want to. Just that it involved Jared some how and I remember saying "I need prayer I just had a bad dream" Then I sensed an evil presence in the living room and wouldn't go in for a bit but eventually did and my friend, her mom, and Cliff prayed over me. Hope read bible verses to me till I fell asleep. It was very soothing. I can't remember the last time that someone just sat up reading the bible to me led alone while I'm laying there sleeping. She's so sweet. I don't understand these nightmares though. I had another one today involveing this room that's in my grandpa's house. I've always been afraid of it as a kid but I don't see why. It's just an average room but even to this day it freaks me out and I don't get it. Oh well!

Other than the night terrors, things have been a lot better than in the past which is good. Well I better get going. But figured I'd update you all on how I'm doing.

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Straucie died! :( [5/22/2007 @ 7:25am]
Well yesterday pretty much sucked. I decided to take my mom out to lunch as a late mother's day gift and the resteraunt wasn't opened yet so we decided to wash the van to kill time...So I said no problem and for some reason Straucie popped into my head and I remember saying "I should try to see her today" So we drive by her house and I see a for sale sign up. Nobody in her family had contacted me to let me know of her trailer being sold so I called the number on the sign and got ahold of her grand-daughter, Lisa while we were at the resteraunt and she informed me that she died May 5.

I tried keeping it together since we were in public but my body just wouldn't have it so I cried infront of the freaking waitress, my mom, and other customers so I ended up exusing myself to the bathroom and my mom was pretty supportive. I had tried preparing myself for her passing but I guess it didn't work. She lived a long life though which makes me happy. 94! Not many people I've lost have made it to be old led alone 94! But all I can think is wow I'll never get to hear anymore stories of her childhood or sit up late with her in our pjs while we eat midnight snacks. She was always young at heart and was a very Godly lady. I remember falling from God so many times but somehow she'd bring me back. She was always encouraging to me when the rest of the world shit on me and encouraged me to follow my dreams. I couldn't help but call her "grandma" and she loved that but it kills me that she's gone and that I found out so late cuz I never got to say goodbye. According to her grand-daughter she was asking about me that whole week and told her to tell me she loved me that I was a very special girl. She wanted me to be there and I feel so honored yet so guilty because due to work I hadn't really got to see her as often as in the past. I just hope she wasn't mad at me in the end.

I guess she got an infection in her toe that spred to the rest of her body. She got a fever so they tried antibiotics but all those did was make it worse and she ended up dying from it. I just miss her so fucking much. She was literally the only one left in Brighton that actually thought about me and made me feel like I mattered. :( I know I'll see her agian and that's what's keeping me half way sane. I just want people I love to quit dying though. This really sucks.

Straucie "Grandma" Nov 19, 1912-May 5 2007 RIP beautiful...You were an angel on earth now may you fly with the rest of the angels till we meet agian. I love you!

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These girls keep me sane! [4/9/2007 @ 8:16am]
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Can't help but brag about my adorable nieces hehe!

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So I had to work in Automotive with the bitch squad tonight. Bitch squad meaning Renya and Martha. They asked if I was a virgin and I proudly said yes. Then they basically tried to make me feel like shit by calling me prude and basically dogging on the fact that I'm choosing to wait. They're not the first nor the last and I'm sick to death of it and I straight up told her "Just because I don't feel the need to spread my legs like you apprently do doesn't mean that I'm prude it means that sex isn't important to me at the moment" and she was like "Well you don't get any. You're deprived" I say to those fellow virgins out there. Walk proud. Fuck anyone who trys to pressure you to just give it away. Wait till you're ready. Fuck what they say.

I'M PROUD OF BEING A VIRGIN AND I WILL DIE ONE IF IT MEANS THAT THE OPTION IS GIVING IT TO SOMEONE I DON'T LOVE OR DOESN'T LOVE ME. END OF STORY! I'm waiting for my husband and my husband only so all you perves out there who are ready to pop virgins as you so proudly word it can try and get it somewhere else because you're not getting it from me. And to all you bitches out there who think that you're all hot shit because you gave it away and think that you should screw every guy you see can kiss my ass because regardless of what you say. This is who I am and if you don't like it you can fuck off because I'm not letting you pressure me into giving it to some asshole who doesn't deserve it when there's probrably some nice guy who will take me seriously and love the fact that I saved it just for him. If you choose to give it away that's you're business and you're choice and I'm not going to judge you. Each to his own, but stay the fuck out of mine.

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Happy Birthday My M&M! :) [12/20/2006 @ 2:19am]
As of 2:37pm on Dec 19th, I became an aunt to a beautiful baby girl by the name of Emily Jean Coffey. She weighs 7 pounds and 6 ounces and of course I shed some tears when I held her. She has a shitload of brown almost black hair and blue green eyes. very calm. Barely cried when she was born. She already has a personality, but anyway we're all very happy and my niece is happy to be a BIG sister.

We got to the hospital around 6am and checked Kim in and then I sat at the hospital for 12 hours waiting to hold this precious baby. The wait was horrible, but it was all well worth it. I can't wait to hold her agian. She's such a cutie. Yes I took a shitload of pics so I will be posting some very soon. The digital is being retarded right now so I'll have to do it later, but I have to brag. I ended up getting her a shirt at the gift shop that says "If you think I'm cute, you should see my aunt" I thought it was adorable! Gotta love babies!

Anyway, figured I'd let you all know!

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